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American English

Hey! Whassup? This ain't no joke, buddy! This is what ya gotta speak when ya open your God damm mouth in America!

You don't ask somebody "How are you?", you say "What's up dude?" or you say, "How you Doin?"

There's no "zero" but "O", no "Zed" but "Zee."

There's no full stop after a statement, there's a period.

You never have a "residence" telephone number, you have a "home" number just as you never have a "office" telephone number, but a "work" number instead. You don't open conversation (on telephone) with a "Hello" but with a "Hi." The telephone is never "engaged", it's always "busy." So you don't "disconnect" a phone, simply "hang-up."

Your subbordinates never "mess-up" things, they only "screw them up." Where you don't "sweat it out", you "work your butt off" and you don't "schedule" a meeting, you "skejule" it. Where you never "joke", you just "kid."

Don't stop at the "signals", but halt at the "lights" which never "turn green" but they "turn on." So you don't "accelerate", you just "step on the gas." And if you say your tyre has got "puncture", you're wrong, you may have a "flat tire." So don't look around for a "petrol pump", all you'll find is a "gas station" and there don't try to "increase" the pressure, try to "crank" it up.

In America you don't meet a "wonderful" person, you meet a "cool" guy. And in your "Apartment," not "flat," you don't pull the switch down to light a bulb, rather flick it up.

No one stays "a stone's throw away", rather "a few blocks away." There's no "Town Side", it's "Down Town."

In hotel you no longer ask for "bill" and pay by "cheque", rather ask for "check" and pay with "bills"($). There ain't no "soft drinks", drink only "sodas."

Life's no longer "miserable," it "stinks" and they don't have a "great" time, they have a "ball." Never "post" a letter, always "mail" it and "glue" the stamps, don't "stick" them.

Don't say you "liked" something, just "appreciate" it. "#" is not "hash", it's "pound."

There are no "deaf" people in America, those who seem so are "hearing impaired."

You'll never find "lunatics" on the street, they are just "mentally challenged" people who are not "disgusting" but are "sick."

You Drive your car on Parkways and park your car on Driveways. And if some one has parked his car in your DriveWay, you get "flamed" or "mad" at him but not "angry."

So you can't get "surprised" you get "zapped" and you don't exclaim "Oh!" but you say "Jeez!"

If you are looking for a pencil "rubber" you better ask for an eraser. And don't try to find a lift, you have an elevator.

You no more ask for a route but for a "RAUT"

If you want to eat brinjals, ask for EggPlant. Also, there are no lady's fingers, try Okra!

Well, if you find this piece boring, you say This Sucks! In short in the US of A you don't speak English, you speak American!

Pretty Polynomial

Once upon a time (1/t), pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors, when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent, and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on.

Polly, however, had changed her variables that morning, and, feeling particularly badly behaved, she ignored this condition on the grounds that it was insufficient, and made her way in amongst the complex elements. Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, three branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent.

As she reached a turning point, she tripped over a square root which was protruding from the erf, and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once more, she found herself, apparently alone, in a non-euclidean space.

She was being watched however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent, he wondered. He decided to integrate improperly at once.

Hearing a vulgar function behind her, Polly turned round, and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once, by his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms, that he was bent on no good.

"Eureka," she gasped. "Ho, ho!" he said. "What a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see that you are absolutely bubbling over with secs." "Sir," she said, "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on." "Calm yourself my dear," said our suave operator, "your fears are purely imaginary." "I, I," she thought. "Perhaps he's homogeneous then?"

"What order are you?" the brute demanded. "Seventeen," replied Polly. Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on yet?" he said. "Of course not," Polly cried indignantly. "I'm absolutely convergent." "Come, cone," said Curly. "Lets off to a decimal place I know, and I'll take you to the limit." "Never," gasped Polly.

His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places and began to smooth her points of inflexion. Poor Polly.

All was lost. She felt his hand bonding to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would be gone for ever. There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went all the way round, and did a contour integration. What an indignity! Curly went on operating until he was completely and absolutely orthogonal.

When Polly got hone that evening, her mother noticed that she had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now

The seeds having been sown. As the months went by, Polly increased monotonically. Finally, she generated a small, but pathological, function, which left surds all over the place, until she was driven to distraction.

The moral of this sad story is this: It you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom.

Jeff at University of Miami

Commencement Address, University of Miami

Internal Source

05/09/2003

Commencement Address, University of Miami

May 9, 2003

Jeffrey R. Immelt

Chairman and CEO, GE

"First, to all of you, congratulations. And thanks for the chance to be a small part of this very big day. I'm glad to be here, because this is a special time. A jumping off point. May is when graduates with diplomas in hand ... go out to conquer the world. Along about July, the world counter-attacks. But today, right now, I look out at an audience that is full of proud parents and happy graduates.

I know you have a great football team and coach. You also have the "Heisman Winner" of college presidents in Donna Shalala. Donna has led a life of excellent public service including 8 years at the University of Wisconsin, 8 years in the Clinton Administration. You are fortunate to have her, even though she will never play center on the Canes' basketball team!

I don't think I am so old. I turned 47 this year. I told my 16-year-old daughter that I was "middle aged." To this, she replied: "Dad, how many people do you know that live to be 94?" All right, I am older. But, 25 years ago, I sat in an audience just like this, and I remember thinking to myself, "How long is this guy going to talk?" Well the answer today is not long.

But with age does come the benefit of experience. I graduated in the late 70's, and boy, the world was tough:

The economy was in a recession due to a severe oil shock.
There was unrest in the Middle East and Americans held hostage in Iran.
Jobs were impossible to find, and unemployment was over 10%. And,
Cher was doing a farewell tour.

Sound familiar? In times like these, it is always good to remember "there are always times like these."

You began college in 1999. The horizon was bright. The economy was booming. The world was at peace. Everyone was rich; "dot coms" were ruling the world. Those were the days!

Think about the last four years. We have had the tragedy of 9/11, the war in Iraq, a global recession, the SARS outbreak in Asia. You have seen one football national championship; and you would have won a second, if the referee had not blown a call. No one and I mean no one predicted any of these events.

All generations experience change. But somehow, even in the recent past, change was more orderly. It is different now. Change comes at you all the time, from all directions. You live in an unpredictable swirl. Your world is different.

Now people pay billions and they have ulcers, trying to predict the future. I say you cannot predict the future, so don't waste your time worrying about it. Instead, take the challenge to shape your world by making yourself better. The era we live in belongs to people who believe in themselves, but are focused on the needs of others. And those people have three things in common:

They learn every day
They have the courage to live their dreams
They build trust in others

By doing this, they lead a life that is fulfilling, interesting and fun. I have great news for you: you will never be dumber than you are today. Learn every day. Learn from the work you do from the people you admire from the people you don't admire. Learn by hurting and failing ... and by showing dignity in the face of indignities.

I see 65 year olds who are young because they learn every day and pitifully old 25 year olds who think they know it all. They have no curiosity or desire to explore. The common denominator of successful people is the desire to learn.

You should learn about a few areas in particular. Healthcare will come to a crisis in your generation. One in four dollars will be spent on healthcare. You must become smart consumers of healthcare or will work in the industryand you will pay for your parents so get smart. China will be your biggest market and toughest competition. In your lifetime, you will have more conversations about China than any other region on earth. Healthcare and China will have an impact on your life, and you cannot be afraid of them.

Learning is the key to self-confidence. Self-confidence is the foundation for adaptability. Adaptability is at the heart of change. Leadership is about change; taking a personal journey of self-reflection, self-inspection, and self-renewal. With this confidence, have the courage to build your dreams. When I was 22, my passion included some pretty good parties. At 47, this evolved into having a passion to build and create.

Passionate people hate the status quo. The best times I have had is in driving change, building things. And when you work with teams of passionate people, you can take small ideas to big places. Passionate people are optimistic they see the best in everything and everyone. There is a lot of cynicism in the world today. We have seen many business leaders and public figures fall off their pedestal.

People question the "system" and reformers have center stage. But cynics are not builders. Only optimists hire people build new ideas and create the future. The world needs your optimism today.

The future belongs to people who are willing to try new things to compete and to get the most out of their potential. So, pick one thing to excel at. And give it your all. Have the courage to build your dreams. Along the way, build trust in others. In the past, leadership placed a focus on individualism that was powered by fear. Today, leadership is about teams powered by trust. You have to get trust it the hard way. Earned trust is the only way to get people to see your vision ... share it commit to it and stay on course when things don't go according to plan. I guarantee you, they never do. People want to trust. They are hungry for it. But they are selective. They will only give it to a motivator a communicator a teacher a real person someone who, over time and across events, proves to be exactly what they say they are someone who makes the commitments they can keep and keeps the commitments they make.

To earn trust you must have values. Values are about personal consistency. Values give you a rock solid sense of who you are what you believe in which side you're on. For reasons that are obvious ... values count more than ever. They are the reminder that the end never never justifies the means. Our American culture has moved from individual freedom to personal responsibility. In this regard, the journey always matters.

I am the 9th CEO of GE. I run a Company that is 125 years old, with $130B in sales, 300 thousand people, 13 businesses, operations in 100 countries, and the highest market value in the world. More importantly, I even have a few jobs to offer you!

How did I get here? I even ask myself that from time-to-time. It required a lot of hard work, but also a little bit of luck. People helped me. I had great parents, a good education, and a strong family. I failed occasionally, but the breaks generally went my way. Today, I lead the Company where my father worked for 40 years. Every day I feel fortunate to get to build things with people who are my friends. I made three choices over the past 25 years: to use my good fortune to get the most from my potential; to have balance by being a father and a husband; to give back to the communities that helped me.

I hope, in some small way, that my choices can make a difference in the world. Today, you are the recipient of good fortune. You have a great education and families that support you. You are young and good-looking and I will leave it at that. Ultimately, you define your own success. Some of you will be doctors or lawyers or parents or teachers. Some of you will make a lot of money and others will be public servants. But the most important choice you will make is to give more than you take and thereby make a difference in the world.

So where will you go? Do not predict the future but get the most from each moment. Learn every day; have the spirit and courage to live your dreams; and build trust in others. Stay optimistic and dream big. Choose a path that is interesting and fun. I can tell you one thing with absolute certainty. No matter how much fun you had the last four years or how much fun you plan to have tonight your best days are ahead.

Donna, thank you for the honorary degree. And graduates, congratulations once again."